Resist, Exist

Throbbing, debilitating, relentless, 

Rendering one almost senseless. 

Over time one learns to move, 

To smile, to work, to slip into a groove. 

One tires, but pushes, what else to do, 

To retire from life or to trudge - these the only choices two. 

One seeks solace in fruitless hope, 

Somewhere, somehow one will find the dope, 

To cure the ailment, to cease the pain, 

Perhaps then one can truly live again. 

Then one day the pain eases, 

One should be pleased one supposes, 

But no! A habit, even a bad one, comforts, 

The lack of it actually disconcerts. 

What, how, should one do anything now? 

For so long the ache made one bow, 

Walking with a lesser burden even more deadens,

Why is it that is when one is near the destination? 

It tempts to let go of all there is, 

It tempts to cease to resist, to exist.

- Written on 27 February 2017.

- Because I am stupid and in a bad mood, perhaps. Though I often wonder why pain is missed so when it seems to wane, is it because after so long one knows not how else to be, or is it that the tiredness finally takes over when all that resistance that gave one energy is no longer as needed? 

I dunno. I do know that I sometimes am the weakest when recovering, not suffering. Why? Coz. So?