Being Alive

Being alive. What does it mean?

Shallow breaths and head splitting?

Ache and dizziness with every movement? 

Nausea that even water elicits?

Sounds, sights, smells make no impression. 

To register anything feels an achievement. 

Is that being alive, immersed in yourself, 

Floating somewhere in cotton world?

Ah! Bliss. Scored finally. 

Meds obliterate thoughts, focus, personality. 

What pain? Nothing can penetrate

Guilt, worry, deadlines. Everything fades.

 And then you wake up, drenched, drained.

The head throbs as an unmatchable refrain.

Which is better? Which is being alive?

Would you choose suffering or rather die?

It is a choice I have had to make often times

I forego meds that rob me of my mind

What use comfort if there is nothing of you

In that body on the bed, just a shell that is called you?

- Written on 11 August 2022. 
- Had been unwell for sometime and was in a bad shape with a new training to go to in Assam on 15 August. Was worried.