The Hole

Always, always sliding into the hole makes me wonder
Why am I here? Why do I bother?
What will be, will be
One is living reasonably well, so why bring on agony?

Yet as I grow older,
Become oddly both more fearful and bolder,
I chase the unknown to know better
Find the dark spots, study them to see if they matter.

As I am slid out, invariably my eyes have to blink harder
To cope with the light that does NOT the fears asunder
In the cocoon it was easier to escape,
Now there are folks to pretend to - everything is OK.

In these times, work comes to the rescue
The opportunity to focus on small, petty issues
Not that report that needs tweaking or the paper that needs writing or the thesis that needs reviewing or the assignment that needs grading,
No, just the admin that otherwise is frustrating, the messages, mostly banal, that tempt reading or the IG reels that facilitate mindless viewing.

Fear, one knows not how it surfaces
Even as one is cheerful, it rears to knock you in your face.
Pretence gets you far enough, but then your energy drains,
Then you read your friend's messages and once more you are sane. /you regain.

- Written on 5 April 2024.

- I think I am channeling too many doc visits and scans. 

Shut out the World

I want to shut out the world
Every voice, every colour everything makes my mind whirl
In the cesspool of pain, doubts and anxieties
Nameless, baseless, though they be, still they suck away one's energies.
So, I want to sleep, or at least try to
Curled in my corner, under a blanket, a safe space retreat to
I can do nothing, move not, think not,
Yet I worry, I try for what I know not.

- Written on 26 February 2024.

- This year has been exhausting somehow. 

To My Suitcase

You deserve a post all your own

My companion on so many journeys unknown

Grey, fading into the background

Faithful, easy to pull around

Lightweight, carrying a punch and more

Easy going through the seasons of rain, sun and snow.

You gave up on this Mizoram-Kolkata-Raipur-Mumbai trip

Goodbye, my suitcase, Thank you for your service,

You will be missed, for sure, yes. 

But for now, take a well deserved rest.

- Written on 1 Feb 2024.

- Self-explanatory, but after being with me since 2016 on numerous trips, the last fling (literally and metaphorically) of the airlines on a trip from Mumbai-Aizawl, suitcase that I use as check-in or cabin as suits, broke. It still lasted me on the journey from Aizawl to Kolkata, from Kolkata to Raipur and Raipur to back home.

FB Post Link: https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid02czJbVTDof9WpVXn5jYh6NbdesraHBp6CWmFZWbtz6fQbXySiuu93biN8tjKgRUL5l&id=692626229&mibextid=2JQ9oc

IG: https://www.instagram.com/p/C20Ai9tJ_bB/?igsh=MWN3bHowbHFvcG9xYw== 

Reality Mirrored

Mirrors: We see ourselves, yet not
In these things that reflect light
Be it the still lake or a clear cloud or glass
We find ourselves judging our present and our past.
Yet mirrors can distort reality too
The car's rear view mirror draws objects further from you
So dangerous if we know not this perspective
It can lead to a death edict
Snow White's stepmother may have been told the truth
But mostly in mirrors we see what we want to
The most 'beautiful' person can spot a blemish or two
The 'ugly' could look beautiful too.
'Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder' 
So today even more I ponder
What does the mirror tell us
As a holiday is given for a temple constructed
Its base the ruins of a mosque
Of a line cast that had the country torn apart
In the name of God who urged peace and sacrifice
In the name of a God to whom not all ascribed
But today, God is created by us more than we by him
Hymns we sing are stories we weave to please our whims.

22 Jan holds more terror more for me than the Babri Masjid fall
With no protests, no riots, no fiery street debate wars
Then, we had fiery editorials, and more people openly appalled
That the Constitution was repelled, that divisions we spawned
Today, we keep silent wondering if to post at all
Fearing repercussions beyond hate posts or calls.
I remember us peperring our school walls against the demolition
Today, I think twice about a Facebook post expressing abhorment
I have abrogated my rights for so called safety
Economics and politics and so-called institutional duty
What the mirror tells me today, I like not
A spineless creature supposedly distraught by life fraught.

- Written on 22 Jan 2024.

- 22 Jan declared a holiday in many states and at the Central Govt level as a half day for 'Pran Pratishtan' at Ayodhya for the Ram Mandir. 

I can feel my pran slowly fading as I voice less and less of my angst and retract myself into my shell.

And yes, I know someone will take my case for wanting riots, but it is not the violence, but the of freedom of expression that I yearn for and its loss that I lament. 

There are times when I regret joining TISS full time.

Today is one of them.

I would have in the past posted my thoughts for my thoughts would not have been equated with 'my institution' and 'my institute' would not have to bear the brunt for opinions it did not endorse. At worst, I would have been disowned as 'visiting' or 'contractual' and I would have put in my papers and walked my path. 

But now I hold back. I am thinking admissions, UGC withholding pay, TISSians targetted. Somehow, my opinion being a feeder for more hate-mongering. 

And I am not able to bring myself to do anything else as somehow, viscerally, I feel incapacitated.

I am consuming more and more and more of those who are expressing some concern, some dissent and feeling more helpless, more worthless.

As I head to Mizoram, am going to retreat into my shell. Hopefully, the mountains will revive my faith in the larger play of things and in humanity and secularism and such.

For now I share this here when I would have felt better sharing on a more public platform. I feel like Alice but in Orwellian dystopia. 

https://anuthik.blogspot.com/2024/01/reality-mirrored.html

The Temple of Despair - 2024

A temple stands on ruins
Unity in diversity undermined.
A structure built worth crores
Holidays declared worth even more.
Who worships whom and what, one know not,
But these are not the values we were ever taught.
Pride in oneself, one's customs, yes, but never at other's cost.
If we care not for each other, we are the ones lost.
But temples are espoused, politics and religion forged anew,
Truth lies in shards, all contrary opinions subdued.
My country, my pride, my brethren, I cry
Every day I speak dulcetly, while demanding not my own but others' sacrifice.
Understanding they should be, I cry in sympathy,
As if that were enough, these tokenism paltry.
No action, nothing concrete, no placing my neck on the line,
No courting jail or worse, no nothing, but some futile lines written in rhyme.

- Written on 20 Jan 2024

- Ram Mandir in Ayodhya. 22 Jan declared holiday in many states and at Central Govt level half day for 'Pran Pratishtan'. 

My heart bleeds. 

Mansfield Park - Revisiting Jane Austen - 1

Dear M, 

Such a wonderful initiative. 

What I would like to revisit of Jane Austen's works? Everything!!! 

But let us go with Mansfield Park. 

In this day and age the morality bespoke
In the novel is neither some nor whole 😁😜
The ideas seem frivolous, 
The characters worthless, 
The adultery, the clergy, 
The exaggerated bucolic pastorality, 
All seem to echo 
Mansfield Park is not even worth as retro. 
Yet, something beckons, even if for just the lines
That belie age and space confines
'Selfishness must always be forgiven, you know, 
For there is no hope of a cure'
More such gems in the novel lie
Reading and counter reading into Mansfield Park one can still pry :)

- Written on 7 Jan 2024

- Self-Explanatory, but let us see if I keep this up. 

Silences and Reunions

Silences resonate with memories,
Of laughter, gossip, music and savouries,
Most of all of relations rekindled
Friendships strengthened as all mingled.
But memories warm the heart too
The silences make determined to again do
The meet-ups planned and those yet unchartered
May these friendships blossom unhindered.

:)

- Written on 6 Jan 2024.

- Meeting National friends after a long time

Kochi Reunion 2023-24

Family and friends
Blissful reunions
However hot a place may be
But warmth of hearts it cannot beat.

Expensive fares, long trips, filmy scenes,
Lazy lunches, loud gossip, oodles of coffee and tea,
Chinese fishing nets, short walk in crowded alleys,
Long wait at favoured cafe's, but 'Thiruvilla' rescued us on Princess Street.
Day 01 passed making merry
On plans for day 02 and a split on day 03 we agreed.

The Synagogue impressed with its handpainted tiles blue,
The story of migrants and of Palestine and India's perspective, it cast anew.
Then the long wait at Cafe Mocha
Then sightseeing at Crafters' and some shopping for 'whatnots'
Sighting the world's largest Urali
All just the first half's deeds.
Churches - Basilica and Francis inspired
The paintings on ceilings in Basilica were much admired.
The Indo-Portuguese Musuem we looked into,
But the Christmas tree outside and the peacock created more ado.
Then we split again, some for tea,
Three directly to Fort House, Kochi.
Some respite for Lata from the heat
Then bags in cars, most headed for the jetty.
A 6 rupee ride for minutes 20
Taking us through the backwaters beauty.
Then a hotel cheap and awesome,
But more preferring home wholesome 😁
Then buffet dinner too and more talking and laughing
We grouped and regrouped and re-regrouped through the day and evening.

Day 03 some 'tripped' on 'Nostalgia for Nurani'
Others found ecstacy in doing 'nothing'.
Lunches at Palaaram and Kapilavastu and purchases at Thankkam Pickles
Local shopping, temple sightseeing, 7 hours driving, each found their own moment 'blissful'.
Whether 10 seconds solving of a puzzle
Or just lying down in the hotel.

Then the highlight, 'The Birthday'
Of a girl as sweet as can be, whom we made patiently wait.
Not 1 but 2 cakes had she, and then there was the pizza party
But the highlight, the star, was the curd rice and pickles feast
Contentment oozed and no one wanted to ever leave
Antakshari went on till hours wee
Some leg pulling too choreographed by the 'wow' family 😜
Singers galore we have in this family
Bad or good, sporting all but those born on Nov 3 😝😝
But thank you speeches they made brilliantly,
At long last, we parted regretfully
The trip was short, time ran out
We wished it could be longer, but were thankful for how much we got.

We missed those who could not make it,
We planned for more future visits,
Forest trips seem to rule for now
May 2024 give us more such powwows.

Thank you All for making 2023 end and 2024 beginning so wonderful :)

- Written on 3 Jan 2024

- Family Reunion trip across Kochi, Nurani and Coimbatore from 28 Dec 2023 - 3 Jan 2024

Happy New Year - 2024 - Personal post 2

2023 you have been kind to me
Helping me reconnect with many friends and family,
Adding new experiences to my kitty,
Making me traverse the breadth of the country,
Aiding me many projects complete,
Granting me some excellent colleagues.

2023, you have been also tough on me
Health slid back and forth time a many
I felt lost and helpless with tears plenty
Unfinished projects galore,
Some completed, but at levels shallow
Feeling my teaching could have been better
Some dreams carefully woven lie tattered.

But 2023, overall I will miss you
For you made me see afresh important to-dos.
Connect with friends and family,
Travel for work but find pleasure plenty,
Take breaks, as many as you need,
Aim not for perfection, but convert words to deeds.
Goodbyes are hard, but cherish memories
Rejoice, you are blessed and reasonably healthy and happy.
Eat, dance, binge watch, make merry
And sleep, sleep, sleep.

2023, I will carry forward these lessons into 2024
In 2024, I hope I can be better, healthier, connect, improve and do more.

- Written on 1 Jan 2024.

- Self-Explanatory 

Happy New Year - 2024!

What purpose an FDP
This week had me pondering deep
How do we judge calibre and intent
To improve, to learn, to share, to implement?
What motive drives those who come?
Is it just a Mumbai Darshan?
Is TISS, its stature the main attraction?
Is it to compare oneself and find smug satisfaction?
As questions poured in on marriage, position and salary
On permanent contracts and 7th Pay Scale of UGC
Talk of collaborations, mostly meaningless, but would lend clout and credence
Condescendingly of guideship eligibility, or of anything, but the essence
Of what Practitioner Research was about and could do to bring change
How we could take this to classrooms where deep reflections would hold sway,
Of methods, of tools, but more questions on how to
Rather than selfies while writing a line or two.
Is this what we should be doing?
Lectures designed in absentia for these beings?
Straining self and health and friends and resources
To allow more space for such foolishness?
I like walking away from classrooms humbled
A thought-provoking question that had me confused
Such dialogues are what one yearns for
In academia we want ideas more
But this week has not been that kind of success
Maybe I'm kicking up a fuss, but this is what I feel, I confess.

- Idea Orginated 23 Dec 2023. Polished 31 Dec 2023.

- Written for obvious reasons :) 

To Devika 💫

She lost her father when she was merely nine, 

She stated it matter-of-factly, never whined. 

She picked up the threads and smiled again

Her mother and her siblings gave her love and courage.

In college then she lost her mother too,

Desolate she was, but her siblings made sure she was not too shook.

Then marriage

A new, hopeful, golden age. 

China beckoned, 

Snow fights lovingly commenced.

A baby daughter, an answer to prayers

Arrived to spread sunshine and cheer.

Love was abundant, 

Cribbings were about the inconsequential. 

Then struck cancer to destroy a family

But again she fought back so very bravely. 

She had her loved ones around her always

To cherish her, to cajole her, to be her reserve brigade.

She won battles, seemed to have won the war,

But cancer was not done by far,

It struck again and again, 

All she did seemed in vain. 

Triple whammy and she finally lost

The battle and the war, seemingly a lost cause. 

But what she has done over the years, 

Smiling away through the fears and tears. 

Inspirational - her family and she as a unit, 

With their love and their grit. 

Her family is strong, they have long borne, 

The threat of her being gone was long known.

But even the strong sometimes feel to nothing faded.

So thoughts and prayers are always needed, 

Loss is loss no matter what, 

'You will be missed, Devika'.

PS. Well that is not her name per se now, but that is the name I knew her by the best. 

- Written on 16 Nov 2023 when I got the news that she had moved on to a better place. 

- Revised and posted on Facebook on 18 Nov 2023 because I felt I needed to, even if I do not tag her or mutual friends, I needed to let the world know we have a great soul gone away from us. 

The following image and an excerpt from her mail in 2007 is how I would best like to remember Devika (Sheetal Mulchandani). 

this is at hangzou zoo.....oops i was shit scared........heeeeeee but enjoyed the moment too.

chill devika

Related info (says a lot about her family's grit) 

 

 

Sleep: Recovery Mode

Sleep it overwhelms you even as you plan
How to do the myriad things that in the planner you scan.
The eyes close, the mind shuts down,
A pill for pain that you have ignored for long.
The noise around you, the overbright light, the food you need eat,
All ignored, forgotten, in this quest your body and mind journey.
Phone bells buzz, notifications run amok, but nothing registers
You might for all purposes be to the world dead.
Unplugged, you steadily recharge,
Though the pain stays, you can now with renewed vigor your own path chart.
Sleep, the ultimate pill for recovery.
Sleep, the best comfort in this journey.
May we never part ways for long
No matter how old I grow, may our bond stay strong.

- Written on 21 October 2023.

- I crashed after a series of long days with a rib injury and a particular long day today due to invigilation. 

Dress Codes and Functions

Dress codes for temples I care not about
Do Gods decide on blessings on what I wear or not?
Saree is good, not the salwar
Sure, and home is good, not blaring shlokas.
Yes the rhythms are good, the intentions too,
But focusing on the outside is the opposite of what is preached as right and good.
Rituals are wonderful for those who want to follow them or merely observe,
But for those forced they are just more rules that their inner desires cruelly govern.
Yet, again there are kindly ladies,willing to stand in for you
Dressed in elegant sarees, the perform rituals you were meant to.
This is divine, this is pure, a feeling to cherish, a reason to religion endure
The concern, the care, the camaraderie the social gathering brings does one lure.
The words spoken in English since they think I know no Tamil,
The concern that I feel involved and the bearing of so much good will.
It was with mixed feelings that I walked home yesterday
It is with mixed emotions that I reflect on temples and religion, even today.

- Witten on 18 October 2023.

- Appa had given for Chandi Homam in the temple during this Navratri season with the idea of women being workshipped (I was to do the worshipping).

Happy Ganesh Chathurthi 2023

Clear skies, a blue so bright,
In clouds, I see images that delight.
Childhood brought back on a lazy afternoon,
The wind sings through birds and trees dispelling all gloom.

O Vignaharta, today you come reside in homes and pandals,
O Saravsiddhanta, you remind us to follow goodness' cause.
O Varaganapati, may you help us guard,
O Sarvatman, this earth precious to all.

O Siddhipriya, may all be healthy and happy,
O Vidyaridhi, may all have wisdom and peace.

Perhaps all we need is just to look up,
Relive our childhoods, our innocence.
Perhaps all we need do is pause and reflect deep,
Perhaps that is enough for this world to intact keep and us to all good reap.

Happy Ganesh Chathurthi 2023!

- Written on 19 Sep 2023.

- Self-Explanatory 

But I also have another rhyme, written today, feels quite unrefined, but here goes: 

Vinayaka Chathurthi is here again with all its glory,
Folks rediscovering their love for pandals and blazonry,
The sounds absent for 2 years of lockdown
Now back fully despite my groans an frowns.
Yet, this industry has suffered so,
It is good to see people revive the old.
The old ways of decorations,
The idols to represent incarnations.
Yet you know me I can't help but question,
What in this madness will happen to the environment?

Vignaharta, remove all obstacles from saving earth
Sarvapriya, may all have wisdom, peace and mirth.

May You 'Live' Your Dream

This Teacher’s Day was tough as I thought of you,
All the many lessons I never learnt as you meant me to.
All the many times you shouted I would regret,
I wish I could those moments again to live through get.
Yet I know I would not learn,
I am yours, I am stubborn :)

Today, another milestone, your birthdate past,
Know that you have made your mark.
I still have many, many who reminisce
How you would your words never mince 😏😜
How you were always there to support
When times were tough you would stand strong like a fort.
How you had a kind word for many 😳
Amma, how come I don't recall for myself any? 🧐 😂
But your reprimands all we both remember very well,
K today mimicked how you would have at me yelled 🤣
But you have left a legacy however small the circle may seem,
Just wishing you Amma, may you now at least 'live' your dream.

Be at peace. Be at ease.
Be safe, healthy, wherever you be.
Be happy, have whatever you need.
Be loved by all you meet.

-Written on 16 Sep 2023.

- Self-explanatory.

Kochi - Carefree Bliss in April 2023

Days of carefree bliss,
Filled with sunshine's kiss.
Making merry, eating plenty,
Converting folks to having tea on the balcony :)
An oasis of calmness with plants, chairs and a swing
Conversations filled with joy and warmth as the skies turned purple and pink.

A day out with another cousin
Exploring the Biennale, at artsy joints eating
Listening and learning through an interesting online meeting,
Into late late night reminiscing.
Ending with the warmth of a morning breakfast dosa
With mahani and thair and more laughs.

Then came the houseboat, words fall short,
The photo sessions, the music, the conversations, the scenery
Birds afloat or on lines, the lazy drifting on the waters of Allappey.
The afternoon snooze on waters clear, smooth and deep
The quiet joy will remain forever with me.

Then to the beach, oh, what fun,
Naysayers converted to being willingly drenched :)
Icecreams and chips and all the gorging
Ending with cleaning up and another outing!

Then the Biennale through the eyes of a child,
The questions, the observations made the fest come more alive.
Art is to be revisited to discover perspectives galore
Discovering new places and old haunts brought delight to the fore.

Relaxing, doing nothing, not cooking nor cleaning,
On evening or morning walks more talking than strolling,
On the Kochi Metro riding, a Musuem exploring,
A temple, a palace - everything so mind-blowing.

Antakshari and 20 questions and karaoke and conversations many
But most importantly the cocoon of camaraderie,
The soothing feeling of being loved and treasured
For just being you, not being judged or measured.

It has been an amazing week in Kochi,
But the memories and the joy linger lending warmth of times happy.

Thank YOU for being such wonderful hosts
But more for being not just family, but dosts :)

- Written on 24 April 2023.

- Spent an amazing week in Kochi 3-10 April. It is blis to have family as friends. :) 

- 

Rest? Defeated Again

The galaxy's weight on one's shoulders
The chest weighed down by unknown boulders.
Memory plays hide and seek
All one wants to do is retreat.
Into the blankets, into oneself, one's shell,
No talking, no thinking, just breathing and surviving what seems like hell.
The head aches and throbs all thought and feeling away
Pain seems insignificant to describe this senseless array.
Every act of being and doing feels a feat
Yet one knows that one is only heading towards defeat.
'Rest', they say, as if one doesn't want to
But the head reels even lying down
Thoughts creep one out eerily, make in more in helplessness drown.
Even the nails ache, it is a fight everyday
To try to be normal, to on course stay.
'R.E.S.T.', they say again, I wish too,
But then I jerk awake.

- Written on 31 August 2023.

- Was in Pune for a workshop. Just not well. 

Happy Teacher's Day - 2023

A series of rhymes on Teacher' Day: 

Teachers are seekers who find talent
To hone them well to aid this earth challenged
No one is bereft, in each eye they see a shine,
But sometimes they too go awry and cease being fine.
They too need help and counselling and rest and resetting
This Teacher’s Day, let us reach out to heroes all for some caring and sharing.
Unwind, relax, let the day go by,
Relax first, then you can reach for the sky.

_____________________________________
Teachers are

Thoughtful
Energetic
Adaptive
Curious
Humane
Empowering
Resilient

They have to be to help the future generation create a better, greener world that includes everyone equitably.

This Teacher's Day we salute these stalwarts.

Happy Teacher's Day!

_____________________________________

The years are tough, the hours are long
The requirements are such, they weaken the strong
But somewhere, somehow, the grit remains
Every time, somehow, passion still gains
Through duties of election and census surveys,
Through resource crunches and unequal pay scales,
Through outcome testing squeezing teaching
By adapting, evolving, ever striving
To the core stay true
To one's very best give and do
Teachers inspire a generation and more
They are boat taking us to progress' shores.

- Written on 5 Sep 2023. 

- Self Explanatory. 

So tempting and its corollary

So near to tempt,

Not dark, but light intense,

Welcoming, almost healing

As one yearns, it is beckoning. 

One breath less and it will be there

Holding, comforting, leaving you no care.

No more hurting, no more burning,

Close, so close it feels, but it is soon morning. 

And one breathed enough it seems,

Still suffering, death still a relief just in dreams.

Aah! One must go on, smile, breathe,

Hurt or not, plod on, one day, some day, one will be freed.

 

 

Corollary Note

Getting well is sometimes a grim, arduous struggle.

To let go, to be unhappy or passive-regressive is not a gamble.

It lets one dive inside oneself, to get past feeble schemes. 

Breathing is both more and less challenging that it seems.

Not everything is as one in one's mind deems. 

And not everything should ever be as one dreams.

Struggles are not bad altogether,

They let you pause, reflect, your strengths realise and gather,

Your goals refine, your needs redefine,

They make you anew yourself find.

- Written (and drawn) on 20 July 2023.

- Been on a recover health journey for all of July. Damn frustrating.

- What exactly:

Well it began with rains and sinus.
Led to low BP which accompanies intense pain and meds.
Then I got a viral. That added to my misery
Then my lungs, they discovered, did not escape injury. 
So I struggle at times to breathe,
Some times are ok, some do me freak,
But am recovering worry not,
It is a familiar road I travel on.
I will take care and become better, 
It will take months, though, to properly recover.

Lose yet Stand Tall

Karm karo, phal ki iccha mat karo.
Can one really over loss not ever cry, over success not crow?
Jo hua achha hua...jo hoga accha hi hoga
I have heard this times a thousand from my appa.

But while I know, I know full well, this too shall pass
We shall work harder and get other grants,
It is tough to not think what could have been better,
Could I have worked harder, smarter, faster?

Where did I falter?
Why not this grant did we garner?
I did try hard, but was it my best?
So many people worked so hard, did I too much rest?

Even as I think this, the team stands by together
Stating the process and the learnings make us a winner.

The ones on the dais are excellent
Their pitches wonderful and very much welcome.
But we had a story to tell too,
Our need is strong too.

What next I wonder,
Even as I stand stronger, and believe it or not, taller.
Not one accusation of 'not enough'
It is humbling, touching, it chokes me up.

So thank you one and all for this specific year long journey
To have had your support, your talents, your friendship make me very lucky.

Newer paths to our goals beckon
Our time to shine brighter will arrive soon, I reckon.

- Written on 24 February 2023.

- We came third in the HCL Grant for Education and secured 25L instead of coming 1st and securing 5Cr. :(